I know that a story loses about 1/2 of its interest and impact when it is written. The only way to really get a story over to the listener is to narrate it but I´┐Żll be long gone when these stories are told, so the only way to pass them on is to write them down. You will miss my facial expressions, inflections  and innuendoes but this is probably better than letting them die in my memory. Some may  be a little off color but we are all adults and have heard worse, so here goes.



         You all have heard that expression several times in your life but I have discovered the origin of it. The expression started way back in the revolutionary days when General George Washington was leading a company of troops near Washington D.C. He came to the banks of the Potomac river and told his troops to make camp as they were going to spend the night there.
        While the troops were busy, he stood along the bank and was looking at the Lee Mansion on a hill on the other side. He remembered the teachings of the Polish General Clausewitcz who in his classic book on wars stated 'Keep the men well fed, a little grog now and then, a good nights rest etc, and they will be better warriors'. 'Hold it men, the General shouted, The Lee Mansion is just across the river [It was an Inn in those days, a sort of B and B] Lets spend the night there and get a good meal and a little grog too'. Up went a shout from the men 'Hurray for the General' They broke camp and manned the boats and crossed over the river.
        On the far shore the General lined the men up and as he paced back and forth in front of them he said 'Men, we'll spend the night in the Inn but we have to be careful since the British are in the area'. 'I'll need sentries to patrol the river bank and change sentries every two hours'. At that moment Private Peters stepped forward, saluted and said, 'Sir I'll volunteer for the first shift'. 'O K ' said the General. 'I want you to patrol between that large oak tree and a creek to your left. If you see the enemy, fire two rounds'. 'Yes Sir' said Peters and saluted and started his march to the oak tree.
         'OK men, up the hill'. When he arrived at the Inn, the General knocked on the door and the Innkeepers wife opened it. The General said 'I'm General Geo' He was cut off by the lady who said 'I know who you are Sir, how may I help you?' George said that he would like to spend the night at the Inn with his troops. 'We can handle that, Sir. How many of you are their?' George looked about, counted and said '18 without Peters'. The Innkeepers wife responded with 'HOW ABOUT THAT!'.


        You all remember Quasimoto, the hunchback that was the bell ringer at Notre Dame cathedral in Paris. Well, he passed on and the Bishop was looking for a replacement so he put an ad in the Paris Nifty nickel. A paraplegic answered the ad but the Bishop told him that the job was too strenuous for him and he needed a person that was more mobile and not in a wheelchair. The jobseeker pleaded with him stating that he could do the work, needed a job and to please help a handicapped person.
        The Bishop relented and said that he would give him a chance to prove that he could 'Ring the Bell'. They went up into the belfry for the test. The jobseeker, in his wheelchair backed to the very edge of the roof and then propelled himself at full speed toward the bell. At the last second, he put his face forward and slammed into the bell. It rang loudly but his velocity bounced him out of the chair and over the parapet and down he went to the street below.
        The Bishop ran down to the street and when he arrived, a large crowd had gathered, including the police. As the Bishop went over to view the body, a policeman asked him 'Do you know this man your GRACE?. 'No' said the Bishop , 'BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL'.


        Being of German descent and able to speak halting German when I was young, I've always had an interest in the derivation of German words. I've found that the brassier was invented in Germany many years ago by a Baron Von Floppen. His First name was Gibson. And the word for brassier in German is GIBSON VON FLOPPEN!!!


        One day a salesman for Tyson Chicken Co. visited the Pope. He said 'Your grace, If you will change just one word in the Lords Prayer, my company will pay you $500,000'. 'Instead of saying 'Give us this day our daily bread'. 'we would like for you to say, Give us this day our daily chicken'. The Pope mulled this over and then said "I don't think that I can do that'. The salesman persisted. 'Your Grace, I can raise the offer to $750,000' the Pope again refused the offer. The salesman then said. 'Your Grace, I have a check made out to the Catholic church for $1,000,000 and I will give it to you if you will change the word 'bread 'to 'chicken'.  The Pope thought for a long time and then said 'OK'
        The Pope called together the college of Cardinals [not the St. Louis group] and said. 'Gentlemen, I have some good news and bad news to relate to you. The good news is that the Catholic church has a check for $1,000,000 for our work. The bad news is that we have lost the Wonder Bread account'.


        If you remember, the old pirate ships were propelled by slaves who manned the oars. The master of the slaves [I'll call him the Chief] walked on a plank down the center of the oarsmen cracking a whip to keep them working. A double snap meant a five minute break.
        This one day the chief gave a double snap and all the slaves cheered. He said 'Men I have some good news and some bad news from the Captain. First the good news. You will all get a ten minute break today and for supper you all get a double slug of rum'. The men cheered. 'Now for the bad news!.  Right after dinner, the Captain wants to go water skiing'.


        A guy named Jack died and as he approached St. Peter he was told that he should join the 'Heaven group'. He was elated and as he entered Heaven, he was met by his old friend Joe. 'Boy am I glad to see you, tell me all about this place' 'Well', Joe said, 'Do you like to drink?' Jack answered 'Yes, of course'. 'You are going to like Mondays' said Joe. 'You can have all the best brands of booze, beer is on tap at several spots and it's all free. You are going to like Mondays'
        He continued 'Do you like good food?' 'OF course ' said Jack. 'Well you will love Tuesdays because we are served the best steaks, lobster, shrimp, fish. lamb and all the good things that go with it. Oh, by the way, are you queer?'. 'Hell no'. Jack replied. 'You are really going to hate Wednesdays' said Joe.


        Three young Nuns were  killed in a car crash. They arrived at the Gates of Heaven and were met by St. Peter. 'Welcome to Heaven' said St. Peter. 'I didn't expect you for at least another 50 years. I saw that terrible auto crash and now I would like to invite you into heaven. Before you can go in though, you have to answer a simple question'.
        To the first Nun he asked 'Who was the first man?'. She answered 'Adam'. The bells rang, the cymbals clanged and the Angels flew by. 'You may enter Heaven'. He asked the second Nun 'Who was the first woman'?. She thought and answered 'Eve'. The bells rang, the cymbals clanged and the Angels flew by. 'You may also enter Heaven.' Then he asked the third Nun 'What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?' She thought and thought and finally said 'Gee! that's a hard one' And the Bells Rang and the cymbals clanged!!!!!.


        A guy walked into a bar with a big alligator on a leash. He put the alligator on the bar and the patrons all hollered for him to get that thing out of there . He told them that it was harmless and well trained and would not bother anybody. Nobody believed him and continued to protest. He stopped them by saying that he would prove it by a demonstration.
        He hit the alligator on the head very hard with a beer bottle and the gator opened his mouth wide and held it that way. He then unzipped his pants, took out 'Johnny One Eye' and put it in the alligators mouth. The gator didn't move. He then took it out of his mouth, put it back in his pants and again hit the alligator hard on the head with the beer bottle. The gator closed his mouth. He then said that he would give $100 to any body  that would do that. Nobody would take him up on the offer until a small blonde in the back of the bar said 'I'll do it if you promise not to hit me on the head with the bottle'


        A first grader  raised his hand on his first day in school and the teacher said 'O K Johnny, you may go to the boys room'. He left the class and returned about five minutes later and announced 'I can't find it teacher'. She said that it was OK and she appointed a second grader to take him to the boys room. Out they went. The second grader returned in about two minutes and said' We found it teacher. He had his underpants on backwards!'.


        This Hermit had lived in the hills for about eight years and hadn't had contact with anybody during that time. He survived on rabbits and deer and grasses and berries. One day another man walked into his camp. 'Boy am I glad to see you. I haven't seen anybody in seven or eight years'. The stranger said that he had heard that there was somebody living up here and came over to invite him to a party. 'Party, Party,' said the Mountain man 'I've never even thought of a party in all these years.'
        The stranger continued, 'Let me tell you about it. I have some beef'. 'I haven't tasted beef in years' answered the mountain man. The stranger continued, 'I've also got some whiskey, a radio for music and even some dancing will happen after dinner'. The mountain man was ecstatic, 'I can't believe all this, Wow!' The stranger interrupted him and said 'Maybe even a little sex later on'. The Mountain man was beside himself, jumping up and down and finally said 'I don't think that I can come, I don't have anything to wear' The stranger said 'That is O K, it will just be you and me'.


        Three French gentlemen were discussing the true meaning of 'savoir-faire' when the first gentleman said 'let me give you an example, you arrive home and your wife is nowhere to be seen. You go upstairs, open the bedroom door and she and a stranger are in bed, nude!' You say 'Excuse me' and close the door.
          They agreed except one man said 'That is almost correct. The same circumstances, you open the door see them in bed and say 'Excuse me, please continue'.
         The third gentleman agreed except for one addition. With the same circumstances, you open the door, say 'Please excuse me , do continue'--- and he does!!!! That is savoir-faire.


    A friend of mine takes just a quarter of a pill. Claims that it stops him from peeing on his shoes.


        A female reporter from England was visiting the USA. During her trip in the states she was taken to a major league baseball game and was told that if she didn't understand something, to ask questions. The lady carefully watched the full first inning and when it was over she said 'I do have a question.'
 She continued 'I saw a man select a willow and stood at the spot that you call Home Plate, whereupon a gentleman hurled a sphere which made contact with the willow and the gentleman dropped the willow and scampered to the spot you call first base.
         A second gentleman also selected a willow and stood at home plate whereupon a gentleman hurled a sphere which also made contact with the willow and that gentleman scampered to first base and the gentleman on first base scampered to second base.
        Now a third gentleman selected a willow and stood at the home plate. A gentleman hurled a sphere which failed to make contact with the willow. He did it again with no contact. A third and fourth try without any contact with the willow whereupon the gentleman dropped the willow and sauntered to first base. My question is, why did this man saunter when the other gentlemen scampered? Well you see ' He had four balls'. 'Oh that would impede his progress!'.


         A tall Texan was visiting Newfoundland and met a diminutive Newfoundlander Note, The Newfoundlanders are sometimes referred to as ' Newfies' even at times as 'Goofie Newfies' The Texan asked the Newfie what he did for a living, he replied 'I'm a farmer. I have a quarter acre, a cow, a  garden and a pig and we get along.' The  Texan said 'I'm also a former. Let me tell you about my farm. If I make my lunch  take it with me in my car and drive due west, stop for lunch, eat my sandwich and  then continue driving due west, when the sun goes down, I'm still on my land'. The Newfie looked up at him and said, 'You know, I Had a car that bad one time too'.


        This company BOSS had had his eye on his secretary and had propositioned her and although she had accepted his advances, there had been no opportunity to consummate the budding affair. Things changed suddenly when the wife proclaimed that she was going to visit her sister in a distant town. The boss was jubilant and he and the secretary made plans.
        On the departure day the boss drove his wife to the airport, kissed her good-bye, raced back to the office, picked up the secretary and proceeded to his house. This was to be consummated in the 'Big House'. Things proceeded very rapidly, a few martinis, a little kissing on the mouth, some 'Touchy-feely' and up they went to the master bedroom.
        Some foreplay and they were both very excited and were about ready for the 'Magic Moment' when she said. 'I won't do it without some PROTECTION' He said 'Don't you have your diaphragm?. She said 'no'. She said 'Don't you have a rubber?.' He said 'NO'. Then he  said , 'Wait a minute , I'll get my wife's diaphragm.
        He went through every drawer in the bedroom but to no avail. He returned to the bed and proclaimed 'My wife doesn't trust me, she took it with her'.


        The locale of this story is in northern Minnesota in the dead of winter. A sparrow had great difficulty in finding enough food to survive, in fact she was about to expire and with almost her last bit of strength, she fluttered to a telephone wire that stretched across a street. There she teetered, barely holding onto the wire. Miracle of all miracles, along came a horse drawn sleigh and just as it passed under the wire, the horse dropped a large steaming 'LOAD'.
        After the sleigh passed, the sparrow dropped onto the 'PILE' and gorged her self to the fullest.  Now, with a hot meal in her stomach and knowing that she could survive, she flew up onto the wire and was merrily singing in a loud voice. Along came a young boy with his slingshot. He heard the bird making all that racket, took out his slingshot, took careful aim and killed the sparrow. ! What is the moral of this story?. 'When you are full of  SH--, shut up'.

        Three steelworkers were having lunch on a steel beam about 39 stories up. The Jewish worker opened his lunch and stated. 'Corned Beef again, If I get that once more time, I'm going to jump off.' The next worker, an Italian opened his lunch and said 'Meat balls again. If I get meatballs one more time, I'm going to jump off'. The third worker, an Irishman, opened his lunch and said 'Ham and cheese again, One more time and I'm going to jump off'.    
        The next day the three of them had lunch together at the same spot. The Jewish worker opened his lunch, saw the corned beef and jumped into space. The Italian opened his lunch, saw the meat balls and also jumped. The Irishman opened his, saw the ham and cheese and promptly jumped also.
        At the funeral for the three of them, the wives met. The Jewish wife said 'If I had known that he didn't like corned beef, I would have made something else. The  Italian wife said 'If I had known that he didn't like meatballs, I would have made something else' The Irish wife said' I can't explain it, he always made his own lunch.'


(1) Do you know why the blonde climbed the chain link fence?
To see what was on the other side!

(2) A blonde drove her car through a thunderstorm and the hail made many small dents in the body. She took the car to the local body shop. The mechanic knew her. He told her to take it home and if she blows real hard up the tailpipe, all the dents would pop out. She did exactly that and while she was busy blowing up the tailpipe, her blonde girl friend came and wanted to know what she was doing. 'I'm blowing up the tailpipe to pop the dents out'. Her girlfriend shouted 'You Dummy, You have to close the windows first'.

 (3) Three blondes were walking on the beach when they spied an old bottle. One of them picked it up and a Genie came out of it. He said ' I will give each of you one wish 'The first Blonde said that she was tired of being called a dumb blonde and wanted 35% more intelligence and immediately she was smarter. The second blonde gave the same rational except that she wanted 50% more intelligence and this wish too, was granted. The third blonde said 'Wait a minute. I'm pretty smart, I have a business, a nice home, car and I don't need any more intelligence. In fact, I'll give you 75%' and immediately she was a 'man'.

(4) Blonde with an economy class ticket gets on an airplane and walks up to the first class section and takes a seat. The stewardess advises that she will have to go back to the economy class. She fluffs her hair, wiggles a little and exclaims 'I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Chicago'. The stewardess is gracious and again explains and again the blonde says' I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago'. The stewardess calls the Captain and explains the problem. The Captain says 'I'll take care of this'. He leans over and whispers in the blondes ear and she jumps up and makes a beeline to the rear. The surprised stewardess asked the Captain what he said?. He said 'I told her that this section wasn't going to Chicago'.

[5] A Redhead goes into the Doctors office and complains that wherever she touches herself, there is pain. She demonstrates by jabbing herself with her middle finger of her left hand into various spots of her anatomy and wincing each time. The Doctor examined her very thoroughly and then told her to sit down.
He said to her 'You are not a redhead are you'? She answered 'No'. You're a blonde, aren't you?' She answered 'Yes'. He said, 'You're middle finger is broken!!'.